I am Better!
She’s asleep now, a pattern of slow rhythmic inhalations and exhalations intermittently disrupted with a soft sniffle. She’s already forgotten the reasons she started crying those memories having vanished with hugs and I’m sorrys. She’s resting . At peace. So why aren’t I? Why do I find it so difficult to forget, to forgive to start anew? My stomach aches, my head hurts, my heart beats heavy and I torment myself with disparaging analysis of my own worth. I have failed her. I’ve failed them all. I’ve failed myself. My execrable behavior has left me demoralized, ashamed. She’ll wake up tomorrow joyous, excited to start another day. Carefree and happy. I’ll rise apprehensive, still doubting. Anxious to prove that I can be better. That I am better.
It doesn’t matter what happened or why. That is past. What matters is that there are never good excuses for bad behavior.
Drink, customarily my deliverance, is past as is the majority of my debasement. I’ve nowhere to turn. Although addicting and somewhat soothing, I scarcely consider Java Chip Frappuccino intoxicating or for that matter, escape. And proclaiming, “I’ll take a Grande Java Chip Frappuccino with 2 extra shots of espresso, whole milk and yes—I want whipped cream on that” doesn’t quite seem to convey your total self loathing and utter frustration quite like, “Holy F***! I need a drink!” That, and the fact that there’s Grey Goose in the cabinet, not Starbuck’s.
It beckons. Softly. Silently. The voice of an old friend. Like a lover. At times it screams loudly. Taunting. Daring. Like a lover. Either way, the voices are omnipresent. My will is tattered, beaten down and San Pelligrino doesn’t burn like vodka did.
It must be hard to have Grey Goose in the house calling your name. We have some, too, but I’m not in your shoes. Stay strong, brother! Make that Java Chip Latte a quadruple and go out back for some fresh air!
I’m still sober. And it’s cold outside!!
I have yet to jump on the coffee or alcohol bandwagons. Maybe I haven’t been parenting long enough yet.
Not an alcohol drinker here, but a huge caffeine addict. I know what you mean about “fighting” with your kids and then they let it go quickly and, as an adult and a parent, it’s hard to do the same.
I had a bad morning a couple of days ago before school. I was yelling and screaming and making my middle cry her eyes out. Then we got in the car and while I was scraping the ice off the back window and they were inside the van I decided I needed to apologize to her.
So I got inside and told her “I’m sorry. I’m having a bad morning but that’s no excuse to yell at you like that. I want us to start new this morning and have a good day. Can we do that?”
And she smiled a small smile, wiped the tears from her eyes and nodded her head yes. I gave her a kiss. But it was hard for me to shake off that feeling of rage, anger and regret. By the time we got to the school (a five minute drive) it was like nothing had happened — in her opinion.
I’m trying to be more like my kids and shake that stuff off. But it’s hard.
Aw, that post was heart wrenching and beautiful, I can relate to this and that…thanks for sharing.
Thank you for stopping by my blog and commenting. I’ve added you to my reader so I will see you around – I really like this blog.
I don’t do alcohol anymore, I’ve got too many bad alcohol stories and my body rejects it now even if the brain keeps persuading itself to have another little go…
But coffee, coffee, strong and black, fresh filtered, none of that cream and stuff added, strong and black with chocolate biscuits for dunking.
I’d kill you if you stood in my way to the counter…
hum….i get what you are writing here…kids do let things go so much easier than we “adults” do…. ;o)
but you sound like an awesome parent (and quite a busy one too- wow)
my hat goes off to you!
love your blog – will be back often!!
thanks for coming to see me too!
a-licious xoxoxo
Put a picture of Elmo on the Grey Goose. That should help.
I have apologized to my daughter more times than I am willing to admit.
oh and PS i tagged you on my blog today – i don’t know how u feel about be n’ tagged – but it was my FIST tag – so i passed it on
smilezzz!
a-licious
It’ll definitely keep me away!
If my BCL (Blood Caffeine Level) should drop below two cups, my brain ceases all ability to function.
They’re like ducks in many respects. Me, more like a sponge. I wanna be a duck!
Sometimes it’s not so much about sharing but releasing. Thanks for taking time to stop by.
I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve been tempted to elbow some sot in the back of the head because they wanted an explanation for every item on the Starbuck’s menu.
Yeah, sometimes I don’t know if I get more angry at what they’ve done or that they get over it so easily. I’m a brooder, I stew.
And they have told me, “That’s OK.” just as many times.
Pretty evocative stuff. I am glad that you are well. But I have to tell you that post put a big ole lump in my throat.
Keep on keepin’ on.
Oh, and I can completely commiserate with cardiogirl. I have had way too many of those days.
You didn’t swallow an olive, did you?
This must have been a tough post to write.
Do you manage any time for yourself during the week? I realize how stretched and tense I can feel with just one small person to look after when I’ve gone too long without any real time by myself. You have five times the demand for attention and patience.
Alcohol doesn’t bring out anybody’s best qualities, so in that sense, it’s not a true escape, but you do need an escape!
Oh gosh, you were just at my house Tuesday night, weren’t you? My son cried himself to sleep that night, and later, I did the same.