Sunday Sonnets–Would Have Been
Today, would have been my mom’s birthday. Would have been. Now it’s just the 19th of October. I’ve stopped believing in would have been. Inevitably, it tarnishes memories and skews the reality of the present. Call me a realist.
That morose testament aside, this is the first time in forty three years that I will observe the 19th of October without my mother. I miss her. A lot. Her final years were not easy, especially for my older brother. He sacrificed everything—literally evrything—so that she may be comfortable. I am convinced that without him and his efforts my mother would have passed many years earlier and much sadder.
As it was, she lasted and with her the deep gutteral laughter, a true inner joy that I have ever associated with her. She left it, unknowlingly, to my Zoë. I am convinced of this.
October 19th–Would Have Been
You would have liked her. She is so
Incredibly like you. It’s difficult
And quite often I find myself
Pausing, stunned by the similarities.
She didn’t know you, not really.
She was too young, incapable of
Solidifying the past. You, too old,
Incapable of incorporating the new.
She laughs and it gives me pause, I hear you.
She is strong, creative, independent…happy.
Quite often I’ll find her lost in thought.
Thoughts about nothing, and I see you.
Your presence is apparent, take comfort
Your peace, your joy, lives on in her.
Beautiful, Ed.
Simply. Beautiful.
She sounds like an incredible mother to have left such beautiful lasting memories with her boys.
Maureen–Thanks. She was very special.
James–Strongest woman I’ve ever met.
I know iPastor is not looking forward to February 9. Or Thanksgiving. Or Christmas. He tries to count his blessings, but it’s more difficult somedays than others…
That is really beautiful. I see a lot of my Mom in Clare too and it’s really bittersweet.
Gette–Parenthood is a long list of firsts. This one really isn’t so special.
Darren–I think about you and Clare quite a bit. We do seem to have fairly parallel lives.
Except that you have 1, I have 5, You’re in theater, I’m..not….
I really miss Mom a lot also, and the 19th was a very hard day for me. Your words actually made me tear up, which is very hard to do. As difficult as it was, I miss her being here. This is a large empty house now, and very lonely. I know she looks down on you and the Z’s and smiles that big happy smile that would light up any room.
Happy Birthday Billie Jo! We miss you. Thanks Ed, for keeping her memory alive with your words.
Thank you, man. She’s still very much a presence in our lives.
Awesome. What a wonderful treat. That’s something that I would love to see; the passing on of personality traits like that. My son is exactly like my husband, and I love it.
Alzheimer’s definitely sucks, my grandmother has it and it is like she is in limbo, she isn’t entirely here anymore but she isn’t gone either. I am so sad that my niece was born way too late to get to know Grandma and she will likely pass on before I have kids as she is 98. At least I have my memories and she has had one hell of a life! So great that your mom passed such wonderful traits on to your daughter.