Reason #37: Why I Hate Ohio Winters
Since compiling a list of reasons that I do not particularly care for winters in Ohio would actually read more like a Tolstoy novel, I have chosen a more random, disjointed approach for my little diatribes. I’ll share them as they make their way to the forefront of my mind that way you can feel the angst while it’s fresh.
I suppose the most compelling reason for me to hate Ohio winters is that they are not Louisiana winters. Though I’m not really sure that you can call a winter in Louisiana winter. It’s more like a harsh autumn with a smattering of “it’s almost cold enough for a jacket today”.
I’ve been water-skiing in April in Louisiana. Early April. Now don’t get me wrong, it was cold. Seriously cold, but we went anyway because that’s what high school boys do with their free time rather than entertaining the well thought out and the logical. Shrinkage issues aside and the possible irreversible damage that may have occurred we had a good time.
Back to winter in Ohio and the reason of the day.
Static electricity.
Holy shit, that stuff is wicked! Five little kids in sock feet running around firing off charges every time they touch or hug me. Many a shock made all the worse because two of my little charged particle spreaders are junk height. Let me just say, my new flannel pj’s are warm and toasty but provide very little protection from the high voltage jolts the kids seem so thrilled to give me.
These days I’m as jumpy as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
The other day I was sorting a load of laundry, completely unaware of the mega-charge I was forming in the pile. With each turned garment the silent charge grew. Eventually the charge outgrew the pile and went in search of a new host. It found my right nipple.
Damn thing shocked me so hard it knocked out one of my contacts. I may have even piddled.
It’s December 28. Winter has officially begun. We’ve just had our first decent snow and the kids could not be more excited. And me? My balls and nipples are killing me!!
It’s going to be a long winter.
I may have piddled just reading that. I tried to give the ipastor a passing smooch the other day and we zapped hard enough to throw off light. Now he runs when he sees me coming. It’s funny because its true.
Gette´s last blog ..Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated
Ed Reply:
December 29th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Give new meaning to keeping a spark in the relationship.
Ed, you’re too much.
There’s nothing like a little electro-shock therapy to get you through the day. At least that’s what they keep telling me here at the asylum.
ImPerceptible´s last blog ..It’s About Time
Ed Reply:
December 29th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Yeah, it’s just not as mind numbing as what I would wish for in a traditional electro-shock therapy.
You have too much dry air you see, what with living on such a large continent that doesn’t get all of its weather fronts necessarily from the sea.
Now if you lived on an island for example, an island where you’re never more than 100 miles from a sea of several descriptions, an island where ALL of its weather comes from the sea whichever direction it comes from – then you’d have air damp enough to wring out some days, and then, and only then, would you never get static electricity in anything other than a balloon well-rubbed on wool.
Gary´s last blog ..On Ilkla Moor Bar T’at
Ed Reply:
December 30th, 2009 at 9:19 am
What I wouldn’t give for an island about now. A bit more tropical, mind you. Now that would be nice.