I offer my kids to strangers, trusting that they will do the right thing. That they will care for my children as I do. I'm sending them to school. I should feel a sense of relief and relish the freedom gained if only a few hours worth. It's not that easy.

As we transition some of the daily care of our children to members of our community—namely the educators we have entrusted to supplement and augment the fundamentals we have been teaching at home, concerns manifest. I worry. I fret. I pray that my children will be safe and that their love of learning and their love of life will continue to be nurtured.

I'm sending their teachers a little note.....

Dear Mrs. Teacher Lady,

Good morning and welcome to our school. (I know, that's something you should probably be saying to me but really, with what I'm paying you guys in tuition, I kind of feel I have the right to call it MY school.) I trust that you had a wonderfully relaxing and enjoyable summer vacation. I know my kids certainly did.

We both knew this day would arrive, though I've got to be quite honest, I wasn't expecting it quite so soon. It seems we had just gotten into a really good summertime groove. That's OK. We had fun ... ]]> http://edlamaze.com/2008/08/25/dear-mrs-teacher-lady.aspx/feed 13 http://edlamaze.com/2008/08/20/i-wouldnt-be-caught-dead-in-that-rag.aspx http://edlamaze.com/2008/08/20/i-wouldnt-be-caught-dead-in-that-rag.aspx#comments Wed, 20 Aug 2008 08:38:00 +0000 Ed http://edlamaze.com/2008/08/i-wouldnt-be-caught-dead-in-that-rag/ Wife:  That doesn't look good together.

Me:  I know but I couldn't find anything else.

Wife:  What about a dress?

Me:  She refused to wear a dress.

Wife:  She's two, Ed.  She'll wear a dress. 

I left the room at this point in search of other acceptable clothing for her highness, Miss Zella.  I had already been to the attic once this morning.  Maura made her way into the room to offer up the green dress, the same green dress she had refused me just moments ago.

**cue the screaming---lots of screaming---a whole lot of screaming---screaming similar to I just ripped your arm off and hit you with the bloody end screaming**

I can't be sure, but I think I heard the words, "NO!" and "I don't like that!" 

Several times.

The whole exchange took but a few seconds.  My wife exited the room with the green dress in hand, half smiling, fully shaking her head in disbelief at Zella's exertion of her newly realized fashion independence.  She looked at me, waiting, knowing it was coming.

Me:  You were saying.....
... ]]> http://edlamaze.com/2008/08/20/i-wouldnt-be-caught-dead-in-that-rag.aspx/feed 10 http://edlamaze.com/2008/08/17/expect-a-call-later.aspx http://edlamaze.com/2008/08/17/expect-a-call-later.aspx#comments Sun, 17 Aug 2008 10:42:00 +0000 Ed http://edlamaze.com/2008/08/expect-a-call-later/ He said he'd be alright, that everything was fine.  He barely looked back.  Then he turned and ran up to me, jumped into my outstretched arms and gave me a hug and a kiss.  "That's for later.  I hope you have fun," he said to me.

I was torn between celebrating the occasion or nonchalantly passing it off as commonplace.  I chose the latter, hoping that by not drawing too much attention he wouldn't feel overwhelmed.  I feared he had yet to grasp the reality of what was about to take place.  In his small voice, childlike and innocent, he reassured me.  Confident.  He was ready.  He'd be fine.

Two weeks ago, Zane turned six years old.  Tonight, he is away from me, from Mom, from sisters and brother.  He is away from us all for the very first time.  He is spending the night with his aunt and uncle who, for his birthday, got him tickets to see the Clippers, our local minor league baseball team.   First pitch was not until 7:05pm and therefore he is staying with them and will return home in the morning.

He told me before I left that he'd call before I went to bed, "you know.  To make sure you're OK and to tell you goodnight." 

As promised, he called.  I lied and told him everything here was great.  (I miss him terribly.)  Then he broke my heart.  I asked if he had scored any autographs (tonight was autograph night with Major League greats on hand to sign).  He matter-of-factly said, "Yeah.  I got them all.  Two times."

"You got them to sign twice?" I asked.

"Yeah, I got one for me and one for Grandma."

My little boy is away from me tonight, for the first time.  He's not concerned about being alone, though.  He's too busy trying to do something nice for his grandmother and making sure that I'm OK without him.


... ]]> http://edlamaze.com/2008/08/17/expect-a-call-later.aspx/feed 10 http://edlamaze.com/2008/02/10/i-am-better.aspx http://edlamaze.com/2008/02/10/i-am-better.aspx#comments Sun, 10 Feb 2008 08:01:00 +0000 Ed http://edlamaze.com/2008/02/i-am-better/ She's asleep now, a pattern of slow rhythmic inhalations and exhalations intermittently disrupted with a soft sniffle.  She's already forgotten the reasons she started crying those memories having vanished with hugs and I'm sorrys.  She's resting .  At peace.  So why aren't  I?  Why do I find it so difficult to forget, to forgive to start anew?  My stomach aches, my head hurts, my heart beats heavy and I torment myself with disparaging analysis of my own worth.   I have failed her.  I've failed them all.  I've failed myself.  My execrable behavior has left me ... ]]> http://edlamaze.com/2008/02/10/i-am-better.aspx/feed 21 http://edlamaze.com/2008/02/04/im-not-ready.aspx http://edlamaze.com/2008/02/04/im-not-ready.aspx#comments Mon, 04 Feb 2008 10:28:00 +0000 Ed http://edlamaze.com/2008/02/im-not-ready/ The emptiness of the room was short lived.  I had really only a few short moments to stand absorbing the vastness of the space.  Void the result of my dismantling.  Piece by piece, screw by screw.  Zoë helped with the project with what little time she had before leaving for school.  Zane took over when she left ably carrying out the bulk of the work as in Zoë's absence he was senior.  Good fortune for Zia that there had been a two hour school delay otherwise she would have been entrusted to tasks she probably ... ]]> http://edlamaze.com/2008/02/04/im-not-ready.aspx/feed 18